i. resentment

it's alright. everything's alright, sweet girl. your dad's still alive and he's feeding you the love you wanted ever since you were a little, innocent kid. he's giving you the love that you want now, why are you pissed off? why do you have that look on your face? talk to me, kid. spit it out. is it because he was never around whenever your small throat shrieking for help and his gentle, sweet, sweet love? or is it because he never ever genuinely said sorry for hurting you? it's just his temper talking, don't mind it. it's reasonable. right? you would understand, right? you have your mother's rage and you would understand how it feels to be in his position, right? you are their daughter, after all. of course you would understand. it's all that you are, it's all that define you as no one would understand and know the real you. no one would understand because it shames you to feel that, right? but that's just your thoughts, and your dad, he doesn't voice his thoughts that much like you are, doesn't he? and when he did, all that you could feel is annoyed, anger, and the undeniable feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin whenever any form of reassurance would kiss your ears softly. but you're safe now, aren't you? your daddy's here, giving you all that you want now. then why resist? why are you scared of it? he just wants to love you and be there for you. why are you saying that it's too late? is it because you're all messed up, now? is it because you wished he could've done better, now? is it because he wasn't a good dad, now? oh honey, cut it out. you should be grateful that he's still presence in your life even when you're too fucked up to receive and give back his love! look around, it's going to come to this point anyway, with his presence or not. hey, look around, open your eyes! what are you so afraid of, sweetheart? you'll still be losing your mind over the most inconvenient thing anyway, because you are your mother's daughter, and you are your father's daughter, too, so there's no way to escape this because this is who you are, and that is what you need to accept no matter what. your father loves you no matter what. we love you, our sweet, sweet daughter. we love you. we love you. can you hear us, or are you holding back from hearing? we love you. i'll say it once again, we love you, our loveliest daughter. rage and all, anakku sayang. rage and all.

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9th feb ‘25