mary

I looked at her face. No, observing. While she was talking to me, I focused on her iris and the soft lightning that comes from the windows in the quiet room. I never noticed that her eyes looked slightly white, the kind of white-blue that matches with her pale skin and peach lips. She reached for my hands. The delicate touch of her thin, short fingers intertwined with mine and I couldn't feel anything less than hatred. 

But I don't know. I’m not sure if I know anything about hate. No, not in "I'm such a kind hearted person, I love everyone" way; in a way that I can't feel it towards her in this very moment. I don’t know how to express it better than that but truthfully I was confused; baffled, even, to whatever she was doing. I mean, what is she doing? Logically, if you use your own eyes and smartest braincells, she actually didn't do anything. Just sat there, talked to me, enjoying the coffee and milk. She liked coffee and milk. Hazelnut milk to be exact. Or latte. Whatever it's called. I don't know if she still likes it now, but it doesn't matter. Back to my story.

It was weird. I didn't know how to feel by the way she would just looking at me like that; that mesmerizing eyes of hers, the harsh texture on her fingers from playing too much guitar that I would notice whenever she holds my hand and everything about her personality and appearance wise. Especially when she talked about Sofia. 

Sofia. Pfft, that little brat. I don't know what is it about her that makes Mary liked her to the point of tears and yearning. I don't know; I’m still unsure until now, because nothing explains it. Not even her. Not even when I met Sofia in person. It was weird, and disturbing. Because I can read people and situations yet I can't figure out what is it about Sofia that is so appealing than her physical appearance. Yeah, sure, that explains that Mary’s eyes are still working. But is it really worth the tears and energy? I don’t know. Left me puzzled until now.

Mary was crying. A couple times before we went to talk about how life is again; a topic that comfort her somehow. And I can't do anything about it, just a few hugs and comforting words that made her cry silently even more. I felt really guilty. But it wasn't my fault. I hesitated on saying it out loud, of course it wasn't a good idea to say that when someone you love cry on your shoulder because of another person. No matter how shitty and hurtful it is.

I was thinking, “Hell, I can make her happier than this. If she was with me, she wouldn't be like this”, for whatever reason. She kept on going even though she know how much she’ll cry and get her feelings hurt. I can't easily symphatize towards others, except my friends, but she made me feel excruciating pain inside of my chest that is quite unexplainable, and it's uncomfortably weird. And I shouldn't think like that; like I can treat her better. I would, but that doesn't mean I am capable of it. I was as fucked up as a person can be, and still am, and there was no good reason for Mary to be with me. To fall for me. I wasn't a good person; not even the very second that I typed this, but I was worse. 

After she cried her eyes out, she looked at me in the eyes, "It's alright. I'll be alright." with a faint smile on her face. The red puffy eyes really complimented her almost no color iris. But lies were told once again. No, Mary, you're not fine. You're not okay. You're hurting. She won't like you back but I would. She likes a boy and I won't like anyone else but you. Can’t you see? Can’t you see how much it’s hurting me knowing you won’t like me because of who I am? Despite everything we got in common. Despite everything.

It hurts for me too. It's not easy for me too. But I accompany you through the unexplainable pain and flood of tears. She wasn't there. She won't be there.  Then again, I beg to God to stop letting me thinking so selfishly. I know that it can't be forced. Not that my feelings mattered that much, anyway; I just didn't like the words that come out of Mary’s mouth that is so pleasant and praising the girl even when she’s the one that hurts her the most. I didn't like it. But it doesn't matter what I feel about it. What she felt and think matters. 

She proceeded to wipe her red eyes and chuckled. "I'm such a dumbass." No, you're not, Mary. And fuck her, she doesn't matter. You'll get over her. Then, she leaned on the wall, letting out a small sigh. "Yeah," she agreed. I pat her thigh softly; bumps of scars kissing the palm of my hand, and softly said that I will always be there for her. 

That's not a lie. Well, not a truth either. Always is a strong word, and I won't always be there for her. If she needs me, then yes. But I know it won't happen. She won't get over her. I would still be there, in the very same spot with her every summer afternoon and listen to her again about how much she adores Sofia. 

It’s ironic, so much to the point I can only laugh it off. What a failure I am, Mary. I won't get over you, I will always like you and your fading black shirt and messy short jeans. I will always like you and your crooked teeth and dimples. I will always like you and your gentle smile. I won't get over you, because time doesn't exist when we're together. They would notice how much time had passed, how my hair would fall out and my face would grow wrinkles overtime, how I start to talk less and billions of chess games has been played. But they won’t notice how youthful you look like until now. I won't notice how much time has passed since the first time I saw you. I won't notice the nonexistent breath you take and let out. I can't get over you, not when you're always there on the same spot every hot, summer afternoon. I can't get over you, when you're a part of my soul that I can't erase.

15th feb ‘23

p.s entirely fictional and got this idea from listening to “mary” by alex g. this one is about someone who fall in love with a girl that has passed away, i think? i’m not even sure what i wrote. this shit is 2 years old. but back to each reader’s perspective, it could be anything. anyways, i have school tmrw and this is way too long than it should be. good night (or morning), thank u for reading. <3