march’s sacrament of reconciliation

it’s the first of december and my mother has passed away for almost a year. still feels like yesterday, plain old guilt still sitting comfortably on my shoulders to try to keep me in touch with reality. i don't know what i would do without it, i don't have any intentions or interest on wanting to claim it as who i am but there's no use of denying when it's what i feel all the time. i cursed at myself while watching ‘bila esok ibu tiada’ when i catch myself laughing at the irony of it. well, i've been there, and although my experience going through the grief isn't the same as what was portrayed on the movie, i can't help but feel the uncanny similarities when the siblings found out that their mother is dead. i don't sympathize so easily when it comes to watching movies, but the heart drop i felt as my eyes witnessed the mother's death brings me back to 16th of january and i fucking hate it. 16th of january makes me hate Tuesdays, funerals, unsolicited advices and the annoying fuckass question of “how did she died?”. i've been grieving silently as my laughs and jokes and sarcasms screams loudly that it kept it down as low as it could, but it's still a part of me and i can't get over on how much time has passed and how much tears i had or how much accidents or problems i had and how it'll be a year of my mother's death when i blinked. depersonalization is not a joke, i've watched myself making horrible decision as i can't reach the tv to turn it off and i had to watch it play over and over again. it is the only show that goes on, it forces me to think about what i had to do next and gave me list of choices i should be doing but it bites me when i chose what a morally sane person would do. it laughs at me when i clicked on it vigorously because it has chosen something for me. it laughs even harder when i try to look away from the tv and cried, it is a part of me and i shouldn't look away or cry, it's already happening and it will happen again as my sole moral compass has died that exact night on 16th of january. it's the first of december and i'm still sitting in front of the tv trying to turn it off; knowing it won't. knowing it can't. knowing that it's my life and it will goes on as long as i breathe.

december 1st ‘24