casuals and goodbyes

one day i will say goodbye. to everyone that i have loved or love. whether it would be someone who takes the first move first, to utter the heart-shattering goodbye, or it would be mine -- where at the very thought of it, i despise.

i can't say goodbye, no matter how badly i wanted to end it. the relationship (if you could call it that), myself, and people in general. i am just too full of love, i carry too much care behind my back that i forgot to spare some for myself too. i love too deeply, too much, and it's a trouble.

it's weird how my mouth would say the words i wanted to hear the most from everybody else. i needed to be treated well in a way that only my bones and blood know how to act upon it. i can't say it through words, no, it won't be enough. but vulnerability feels like i'm ripping my skin apart inch by inch every time my mouth moves to create not even a word but a vowel. it's frightening, to say the least.

i can't say goodbyes, especially to the person whom i have intertwined with so much that leaving them will not only leave a scar on my heart and womb, it'll also embarrass me that i have picked my skin apart and let them have that access. it's embarrassing -- sex is embarrassing. not for the intimacy of it, kissing counts as committing for something intimate (hence why i hate the concept of casual sex, and such), or in so many teenagers' cases, fornicating. it's not because of those reasons that make sex embarrassing, it's the vulnerability of it. 

you're showing your mortal vessel to another human being, and in this case, you're not bonded by law or religion. "you can show affection in so many other ways yet you chose to fuck each other, why? why, even though it's scary, risky, and you'll probably regret it? you could draw the line on kissing, hugging, whatever, what is that you crave that you need to have sex?"

vulnerability. intimacy. comfort, in every way, shape, or form. that's what i crave even when it scares me the most -- it's hard to leave something that you have wired with yourself so much it almost feels like taking a part of yourself and throwing it into the trash. no, it does feel like that. 

and now i'm biting my lips, stuck in between sitting silently and walking away.

apr 10th ‘24

p.s; finally publishing this so that a cool friend of mine could read it. shout out to hazel!