december's sacrament of reconciliation

i've been stripped to the point where my bones are showing and i'm not ashamed of it, but i took a glance at your tired face and carving a smile at it with a bunch of bullshit flowers and decorated chocolate bar makes me feel ashamed at myself. it's real but it's not destined to be, to last. my past lovers would look at me and laugh at my decision still trying to stand still near you while we punch each other with our so-called love without attachment. funny that i've promised to not cross the line and you did too, but i'm the first to do it as you still dangling over it. it's real, and it meant to go like this. you know this. you know that i know this, you make sure that i understand every word about it and i do understand, very clear, very astute. and me, being the hypocritical whore i am, always choosing to betray myself and happily jumped over it. i knew that it'll come, it's creeping over my shoulder since day one when you hold my fragile, transient vessel and screaming right beside my ears to jump over it. and i did. no, i'm not trying to diminish what we have -- what you gave -- to something that's not real, it's as real as what the norm is, as how it was written and said and have been acted on ever since the earth grow the trees. it's as real as birds chirping and letters written. it's not the same as anyone else yet it exists and i felt it, i'm not sure if you have felt it yet, but i'm hoping that you do. and that shames me to my core, knowing that it's real but it's not destined to be. knowing that, and still chasing through the coastlines and pushing through the holy verses like i was born for it. i wasn't born for this, i wasn't born to feel like this. i'll admit that i'm scared and it makes me want to make a gun blow a kiss to my head, i'll admit it under my breath so softly. it's wrong, it's not meant to be, but it's real, and you're here with me. i'm still hanging over my guilt like i'm nothing but a sponge, sucking it -- even beyond my influence -- pores by pores like i'm meant to. it scares me and it shames me but you're here with me. and that's all that should matter right now, but i can't overlook it because i'm scared it'll eat me alive. now, i don't think you should show your grinning smile again to my face, though i love how it makes your eyes glow and how your teeth shows. stop, and let the flowers die. i'll die with it, but you'll be okay once you stop. and that's all that should matter right now.

26th nov ‘24

p.s: i don't think i'll stop writing like this anytime soon, so, here goes nothing!

another p.s; listen to this song so you can crash out while reading it: https://open.spotify.com/track/4m0q0xQ2BNl9SCAGKyfiGZ?si=lgF-eGtoQ7yoybNg2NeN6g