a checkmark

and i begged the question of a girl's biggest fear;

“was i too easy to replace,

am i not attractive enough to keep you attached?”

it stuck on the roof of my mouth—bitter and harsh and plain old guilt,

i was silenced by the vague self-respect that i still have,

but it buzzed through my mind and my body that it kept me awake at night,

“was i too easy to replace,

am i not interesting enough to be anyone's longing,

anyone's favorite crush?”

my hands feels like they're trying to reaching for you,

asking the forbidden question every time the sunlight hits your face just right,

but i’m not attracted to you like how you want me to,

and you're a nice guy; a picture perfect boyfriend, everything one could ask for,

yet i can't stop running away,

when you're reaching for me; wrapped in your unconditional love,

i can't stop standing silently in that same coffee shop,

realizing that your colorful wrappers—nothing but empty bullshit

now you're holding another girl's hand,

wondering now, what did i go wrong, 

that made me just another checkmark on your hit list?

written on: july 23rd ‘23

rewritten on: sept 19th ‘24